Journey of a heartbreak!

Imagine the feeling of feeling loved, appreciated, special and respected. Imagine waking up everyday next to the special person who makes you smile, who complements you and completes you. Imagine the sunday long-drives to the perfect spot with the view, a bottle of wine and that special someone. Imagine your dream man, the whole package.. Imagine it all. He could be your husband or wife, a fiance or just a boyfriend or girlfriend. But he/she is special... Well, he/she WAS. Because after all those years, things end. Your happiness tumbles down in front of you..... Your world as you know it changes..... It hurts.. IT IS OVER..Where to from here? How do you survive?

Heartbreaks seem to be a very normal thing nowadays, relationships go wrong all the time so U expected to recover quickly, cry less and just move on. Even people around you get tired from hearing about the same thing all over again. So what you do, is bottle up those feelings very deep, smile and move on.....WRONG MOVE! Because that is just a recipe to disaster, it will lead you to be a bitter person. Rather take your time and go through all the emotions in order to heal and move on.

It is a journey, it may take a year, two or maybe five. Give yourself that time and grieve. Losing someone who was your world is tough. It feels like someone died, well he/she did die in a sense, because he/she will never feature in your life as he did before. So Yes, it is a death so you need to grieve. People grieve differently, it is an emotional rollercoaster ride. It is a ride that you have to go through in order to flourish at the end of the day and look forward to a new relationship. Let me take you through the journey, through all the emotions, the tears and everything else to where I am at this point.

Few articles that I have read and still read today, thought I should share:

http://www.mybrokenengagement.com/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/blindsided-7-ways-cope-heartbreak-grief/

STEPS TO GRIEVE FOR A FAILED RELATIONSHIP

• SHOCK or DISBELIEF:  This may be at the point where you walk through the door and you find him in bed with another girl, the point where he calls you and says we need to talk and he utters those words ".....its not you, its me........its time to call it quits........I have met someone else......I don't love you like I used to" or the point where he just totally ignores you , changes his number or just blocks you and move on.. That is the point of shock. It seems like you have been hit by lightning. Your heart aches, physically. It feels like someone just pulled a rug from under you.. It feels like you are falling from a cliff. My experience is from a cheating point and I will dwell on that experience, mainly. Just a few hours ago you were fine, well you thought you were fine, but clearly you weren't if your partner does the above. Well, you are faced with the situation at hand and you are shocked. Many people react differently to shock. the feeling of shock in your body awakes certain hormones in your body that will cause and influence your reaction. It may numb you to a point where you just sit there and not react. You may scream, curse and say "You are lying, it is not over.. you are not going anywhere you are mine". You may curse or hit something or maybe someone. Whatever the reaction, it is from the shock. You can hardly believe that someone you love so dearly could do that to you. I reacted, too. Worst reaction ever, but I reacted and it was very ugly. He spent his birthday in Hospital. He hated me for it, he was angry. I died. He broke me. He killed Thandokazi. A ghost of me came alive. I died........
• DENIAL: Then comes the monster of denial. you are in denial. No, it didn't happen.. I did not receive a call from him. No he did not say that. No he was not with another girl. It could not have happened, he loves me and has told me so so many times. We have been through so much together. It is just my imagination, It did not happen. At this point you probably have told a friend or two. I first told my sisters and my cousin at the same time. We had a chatting group. I was laughing when I was telling them the story. I then told my friends and they suggested we meet up. Hehehehehe, I laughed through the denial.  18/05/2013, I sat at SPUR with a few of my friends. I probably went through the story, 5 times. I was laughing about it. I cried and laughed. I did not believe that it happened. I was still in denial.,,,,,,REALITY CHECK CAME WHEN I WAS ALONE, it did happen and It hurts.. Gosh it hurts.

Spur drinking spree

• GRIEVING: This is the point when the shock and denial wears off. When it finally hits you, and gosh it hits you! The scenario plays over and over in you head.... You cannot stop the tears from falling down your face. This phase hit me on a Sunday morning. The day after my SPUR drinking-spree. I was hung over. I stayed in bed the whole day and I just cried and nursed my bruises. It was the longest day f my life. I did not eat. I did not wash. I went from crying, to sleeping to chatting with my support system to dozing off again. That day ended badly. I was the one in hospital. Life stopped making sense. I grieved.  This is the LONGEST process of all.. I cried through out my exams, by God's grace I passed. I'm the type that likes to know everything. So when we were both at the right state of mind I confronted him. I wanted all the details. I wanted him to take me through his state of mind when he decided to disrespect our relationship like that. I did not like what I heard but I had to hear it in order to heal and try to work things out for myself again. Unfortunately for me, I did not leave immediately.At this point in my life, when I look back, I wish I did. I wish I packed my bags and never looked back. I would have saved my self a lot of heartache and abuse. It is true what they say, once the trust is broken nothing will ever be OK. We fought every chance we got. I turned into a bitter, insecure girl with a low self-esteem. He BROKE me. Men will never understand the effect cheating has on a woman. It breaks you. It kills your confidence. It kills your self-esteem. It kills everything good you feel and know about yourself. You start doubting your looks and your abilities. you start to think that you are not enough. it BREAKS you. I was broken, I cried. 7 full months of torture, mainly for the sake of my son. In that seven months I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I became depressed. i stopped caring and looking after myself. I buried myself in my schoolwork with no progress because I would spend half the time crying. I became DEPRESSED. I gained lots of weight.In that phase of my life, PRAYER got me through. Everytime I would cry i would ask God to show me if this is worth it, if this is part of his plan. If this was God's way of helping me to get out of this relationship, I asked that He gives me strength to pack all my belongings and walk away. AND he answered. Dec 2013, I was done. I walked away. I had lost him before I even called things off. He was no longer the person I fell inlove with. You see, he too, became a monster. When I told him I was done, he never argued about it, he merely accepted things and wished me well. The second part of grieveng began, I rebelled. The Love of my life had just let me go without even fighting for me while I fought for 7 months to keep us together. HE MERELY ACCEPTED IT. I rebelled. He left a huge hole in my life. I partied too much and drank too much. Luckily for me, I slept with one guy in that process, for some it becomes many. I rebelled. THANDOKAZI died. One thing that got me back to reality was BOTHANDO. Something in me kicked in and realised he needed me more than anyone and I needed to pick myself up for this sake. Hence, the next stage.
• ACCEPTANCE: This is the point where you wake up and realise that it is really over. That part of the chapter in your life is closed. He really is gone and he is never coming back. That part is the beginning. It is the start of a new journey. I started by clearing every piece of me in his house. Every thing I owned and shared with him, fitted in a simple sport bag and I walked away. To a fresh start. I accepted that He was the love of my life but that chapter is done. I had more to offer to other people. My son needed me. I was finishing off my bTech at the time. It took few therapy sessions, and a whole lot of conversations with God to finally accept that It was over. He was free from me and I of him and it was for the best.
• RE-INVENT YOURSELF: For us ladies when we are in a relationship we tend to lose ourselves. We no longer exist as individuals, it gets to a point where you are only known as "David's girlfriend", I was at that point, I didnt exist without him. So I went on a journey of re-inventing myself. At this time, the mornings were looking more brighter and the birds were starting to chirp and I would actually listen to the chirping. I re-connected with myself first, then the friends I had lost or neglected. Life seemed so much better. I had a new reason of waking up in the morning. The zombie of Thandokazi was slowly coming to life. This is a process that I'm still working on as this never really ends. I took better care of myself, ate healthier and joined aerobics classes. I was doing things for ME. People started to notice the change, MEN too :). I started going out on casual dates and feel comfortable about them. Im still in the process.
• MOVE ON: 18 months down the line, I realise i'm not fully there yet. Yes, I met an awesome guy who looked at me with eyes full of love and admiration. We dated for a few months. How did I know that I haven't moved on? I knew the moment it was so easy for me to be back in my EX's arms at a blink of an eye, thus conceiving my second child. I havent moved on and it showed. I lost a man who loved me, yes I loved him too but he loved me better and differently. I still carried the baggage. It is part of me. So I let go of MR NICE GUY. It is still a process thou getting over my EX, but Im getting there. I know that, because days go by without me thinking about him. Hell, I even forget he exists until he pitches up for a visit with the kids. He is a part of me. It takes courage to move on but Im doing it. It is the next journey. But for now, i'm comfortable just playing mommy and work on myself. I choose to fix and better myself so that when I introduce the next man into my life, HE may be the last. 

Im happy as I am, finally when I look at myself in the mirror I see a WARRIOR! I take better care of myself and it shows. I'm loving the new and stronger THANDOKAZI. I talk less and I pray more and that has helped me. I just wonder if he SEES the difference. If he NOTICES that the monster he awakened died and the THANDOKAZI he killed came back to life. I WONDER.............

Surviving Pregnancy At A Young Age!

Falling pregnant at a young age, or out of wedlock has always been seen as shameful. The community at large would have an opinion about the pregnancy, because to them it symbolizes that "you have been sleeping around" or "having unprotected sex". All of that shame, the gossip and everything else, comes back to the pregnant lady and haunts her, influences her decisions and some end up aborting because of all of that.So, what is the solution for that?! Is it OK, to fill the world with unplanned babies? Burden grandparents with our kids? What's a girl to do when faced with this?!?

I say, TO HELL WITH WHAT EVERYONE THINKS AND HAS TO SAY!! People talk, they have always talked and they will talk until the end of time. The decision is up to you, if you feel fit enough to carry the responsibility then please go ahead and keep that baby. I wont dwell on the part of able to afford and maintain the baby, but I'm talking about being in the right mindset to love, care and protect that baby while you are pregnant and after it is born. I'm not motivating anyone to get pregnant while young or not married because its thee most tough job you will ever do in your life, but if you happen to find yourself in that situation then please lend a ear to what i have to say:

Let me first tell you my story: As I have mentioned before I had always been a Top Student throughout Primary School and High School, I excelled in mathematics, Life Science and Physical Science. My teachers saw a Scientist, a Medical Doctor and an Engineer in me. Some even went an extra mile for me and enrolled me in extra classes and getting me bursaries. I even became the first black Headgirl. They had my whole life planned out for me, I did too. Not in a million years did I ever think ill be a this point, but My Prayer has always been "God, let me not leave the earth without touching one soul or talking some sense into atleast one person in my lifetime" I never asked or told God how that is to happen, but I just prayed about it. Well, God fulfilled my prayer in a way I have never imagined, because here I am today, with a story to tell that everyone can relate to.

Well, I fell pregnant at 21, doing my in-Service Training with Petro SA. When the Dr confirmed the pregnancy, my head buzzed with many questions, "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO" "WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY" "WHAT ABOUT MY TRAINING AND MY CAREER?" "IM NOT READY FOR MOTHERHOOD" and many others. I imagined the disappointment in the eyes of the people who moulded and helped me got to where I was. I knew a baby would be a major set-back, I probably would have to drop my training. Instead of wallowing in my troubles, I started to pray about it, having a supportive partner and family also helped a lot. I went to work and told them, i told my training co-ordinator, instead of them giving me a lecture, I got many congratulations and they offered me support in order to complete all that was required for me to finish my training so i could go to maternity leave and still graduate. let me tell u this, when God has a plan about your life He will stand by you and fulfill it. He will put people close to you to help you stand back on your feet again. Well I had my handsome baby boy and fell inlove with him instantly. And  the second one came too, I was faced with even more dissapointment at this point in my life, because it would be the second baby and I don't even have a proper job yet. My parents had such high hopes and expectations about me and I felt like I failed them. But let me tell you, once U stop talking too much and start praying more, things start to unfold themselves the way they should be.

Me n Lil Sis, carrying Bothando!

I Loved U boy!

Enjoying my 2nd pregnancy!

Personally, I believe that God used this experience in my life in order to get me to this point, to talk about it, how I survived it and help many others. Just as I have prayed my whole life. Let me tell you this, I enjoyed both my pregnancies, Yes there were times when it would all get too much but I chose to look for the positives in all I went through.

What motivated me and kept me going was that, these kids were NOT mistakes. Never, at any point in your life start to see your child as a mistake. He/she is a perfect plan made by God. Time out was taken in Heaven and God hand-picked YOU to carry one of his angels and bring it to life. He chose YOU to be the vessel and the oven to bake, create and carry his angel and bring it to life. He prepared YOU for this journey. And trust me, that is not just a task you should take lightly. I took those words, wrote them down and read them to myself every time I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and that carried me through and it still does up to this day. I'm a very prayerful person and it has helped me in a very big way. So If you in this situation, take those words, see your pregnancy as something special and enjoy it to the fullest because YOU are the chosen vessel for one of God's angels. Once U start to accept your pregnancy, you learn to love yourself and take better care of yourself, it all goes together. Once u work on yourself and accept the responsibilty, people around you will start to do the same.

Ncumo's first breastfeeding session

Seeing Boty for the first time

With Boty in my arms

With Ncumo in my arms

Once U start making God the center of everything in your life, your load becomes lighter.The first two years with Bothando flew by so fast. I was doing my b-tech, but I never missed any milestone in his life. I still look back in awe and wonder how I survived all of that. But with God it was possible, so If you find yourself in the same situation, find yourself a new friend called GOD  he is never too busy to listen and he will not gossip about you behind your back. Lean on him and let him take you through every step of the way. Motherhood is tough, but doing it with GOD is a breeze. I'm not preaching to anyone, but I'm sharing my own survival tip, they might or might not help you.

Through it all, keep this in mind: God trusted YOU enough and hand-picked YOU to carry one of his angels to earth. Not only that, but He trusted YOU enough that YOU will be able to raise that child well to be a better person one day. It was NEVER a mistake, it was in HIS plan for your life. It doesn't matter how it happened, whether the dad is there to help you or not, but YOU are the vessel. God made it in a way that a child is solely dependent on the mother for the first year of his/her life. Your child only really needs YOU, so YOU really need to have the right mindset in order to be able to do the job that He has set out for you. And, do not be afraid to turn to him to lead you when it all gets to much.

Happy Pregnancies, lead to Happy and Healthy Babies!

A happy mother=A happy baby!

Work on yourself first, everything else will fall into place!

WITH LOVE,

Tee

This Is Why I call Myself A Single Mother!

I'm a proud mother to two most adorable kids to ever walk on the face of the earth. My first-born is a 2 and a half year old son and my last-born is a 4 months old baby girl. Both my kids are from the same daddy and I have no doubt that they were conceived with love, both of them!




My son, Bothando, Was born in 2012, at the time I was engaged with the daddy and it was the happiest time of my life. My daughter, Ncumolwam, was born this year, she got conceived while the dad and I were apart. Their father and I have been apart for almost two years now, he is still a supportive father, but I still call myself a single mother, and this is why:




When I got pregnant with Ncumolwam, it was up to me to keep her or not. From the onset, I knew that I was going to be alone in this, but I knew that it was a challenge that I was ready for! The thought of having another child, out of wedlock, freaked me out, but I am the type of person who always looks for the silver lining in every cloud. While we were still together with the dad, our plan was to always have two kids (boy and a girl), we would have loved to have twins, but we both knew it was fairly unlikely because there were no twins in both our families. But, alas, here are those two kids, just two years apart! I guess its true what they say, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it,ryt?!




So here I am, a year later with my kids, and it has been the happiest time of my life. I have never imagined myself as a Single Mother, I have always been the type that sees myself married with kids and living happily ever after. But the moment things started turning sour in the relationship, I knew my happiness was worth so much more than sticking around for the sake of being scared of single motherhood.




I am a SINGLE MOTHER, through and through! According to the dictionary a single parent is:




" A single parent, sometimes called a solo parent, is a parent, not living with a spouse or partner, who has most of the day-to-day responsibilities in raising the child or children. A single parent is usually considered the primary caregiver, meaning the parent the children have residency with the majority of the time"




I am all of that and so much more! All the day-to-day responsibilities are mine, my son is currently staying with my parents, by choice (they love him too much and can't stand being without him), but I still take care of his day-to-day responsibilities. I'm staying with my daughter currently, and I have been solely responsible for her since I got pregnant. Every holidays or long weekends or anything in between, he is with me. I'm the one who misses work because of immunization days. I'm the person who is a walking zombie because of sleepless nights because baby decided its time to play in the middle of the night. I'm the one whose clothes are filthy because of spit and vomit. I'm the one who gets to pick and buy all baby necessities and gadgets. I'm the first person who gets called when he gets sick and ends up in hospital, I'm the one who misses work and spend every minute of every day next to his hospital bed. I'm the first person who makes sure he has all his monthly needs and everything in between. I'm the one who gets to answer all the questions and have to face the disappointment in my son's face every time when daddy breaks a promise or fails to pitch up for a visit. I'm the one who deals with night terrors and nightmares, I am the one who deals with potty training and wake up with half of my pyjamas soaking wet! I am the one responsible to teach him how to kick a ball, to draw and everything else in between. U may ask, "But where is daddy?" Well, he is out there leaving his life, sends maintenance money every month, visits once in a while, while I deal with all the crappy parenting responsibilities. My kids see me as the monster because I'm teaching them manners, while with daddy, everything goes!!

No, I'm not trashing my baby daddy, wherever he is he knows I appreciate the little that he does, but I have the bigger responsibility! But I'm loving it. I'm not going to lie, it is tough being a career woman, mother to two, breastfeeding and trying to keep up with having a life! But, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world, I love being a mother and it has helped me to work extra hard and to grow as a person.




So please, Allow me the chance to brag and call myself a "SINGLE MOTHER!"

Take This Journey With Me!

Hello readers! My name is Thandokazi Rooiland, those close to me call me Tee. I'm a middle-child at home and blessed with two wonderful sisters (That's me in the middle).

 I'll be turning 24 this month and have a Bachelor of Technology in Chemical Engineering. I grew up in a small town called Mossel Bay, which is situated in the Garden Route (Western Cape). I'm a proud Yummy Momma to two kids, a handsome 2 and a half baby boy and a beautiful 4 months old baby girl. Growing up I was very smart, well clever! Never studied much but always ended up as a top Student.......Until I came to Varsity (yikes!). That place showed me flames I tell you, but through God's grace I managed to walk out with a degree.

 Growing up I always enjoyed reading and writing poetry, my favorite place had always been a library, well let me be honest, it was the only place that my parents allowed me to go to. I remember quite a few times how I got in trouble with my older sister because whenever she would be reading a novel, the minute she puts it down, there I would be grabbing it and reading.... Well, in my puberty years, i lost interest in books or poetry and concentrated on boys, hahahahaha Wrong move, right? Another thing about me is that I'm a Christian and a believer.... Never said I was saved! Im a believer, well at some point in my life I got saved. Huh, at a very young age and I've seen God work wonders in my life, thats why I still believe in his power, but, its just that I don't feel ready to get saved. I love the Lord with all my heart and I pray, worship and praise but being saved is still something that Im too scared to commit to.But I believe one day, one day, He will call me back home and welcome me with open arms just as the prodigal son's father.  

Growing up I've always kept diaries and wrote all my feelings in them, but unfortunately for me they always ended up in the wrong hands, my Mom's! That woman just has a way of sniffing out where I keep them, and that has caused me to ward off from writing everything in them, and unfortunately that brought me to a point that I completely stopped writing. My love for writing never stopped thou, until this day I tend to scribble my thoughts, advises and poetry verses in every page that I come across. What I've also noticed recently, after having babies, is how many of my friends, sisters and even cousins seem to run to me for Motherhood Advice 101,lol which I'm only to happy to provide, so much that I have subscribed to too many motherhood and pregnancy pages on my Facebook page and offer out advises to many mommies who need it. All of that and my love for writing has led to this blog, I feel I have so much to share and so much to learn at the same time from many people around the world. So yeah this is it, Welcome to SingleMommaByCircumstance, In this blog I'm going to be talking about Motherhood, being a career woman, love lost and gained, and relationships with God and others. 

Hope U will enjoy this journey with me! 

Love, 
Tee